I like to talk cryptic.
I have had a really strange week… It’s like someone dismantled my head, re-formatted the innards and then rearranged everything back. And the result of this major overhaul is… … discontent.
So much discontent, it’s at times suffocating to the point of asphyxiation, yet at times strangely liberating. It’s like I want to screw it all and do, say and think whatever I want, because I can. And this is who I am.
And perhaps get really hurt afterwards. But maybe we all need the pain once in a while.
I had a rather quiet weekend, and I spent an evening pondering over old journal entries & emails exchanged with a really close friend I fell out with two and a half years ago. God, I’m so impressed with how intensively I used to write last time! All my thoughts, struggles & feelings immortalised in a pixel screen, they made the old me seem so ALIVE. And the me at present so… lifeless.
And then I was overcome by such an intense sadness that I almost keeled over & felt like something in me was literally about to burst. I was so young, passionate, stupid, and I used to feel SO much for things. I think somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling for a while. Anyway, there and then, I wrote a short email to her to apologise. Not that any of us were particularly in the wrong, but life is short, shit happens, and suddenly it all just didn’t seem to matter anymore. I don’t know what I was trying to achieve with that email, I guess I just needed to know that I tried to make it right. Well, I got an unexpected reply the day after! And then things started spinning really fast & got even more strange & surreal. Not that it’s a bad thing! In fact it seems like starting on a clean slate, without all those convoluted mess that got in the way, might actually be possible.
… To go cold turkey, or not?