One often does not have the luxury of choosing what kind of shit gets thrown over one’s life. When, and how much. One can only try to dodge, and if that proves futile, what to do? You must then bravely steel yourself while said shit lands splat at your feet or sometimes squarely on your face.
When life hands you lemons, make lemonades, they say. So by the same token, when life throws shit at you, after you get absolutely and thoroughly crapped out, it gives you a reason to scrub yourself squeaky clean and rid yourself of all the undeserving dirt that had stuck. It gives you a reason to do a complete detox in your life. Justify that closure, shut out the door, throw away the key and then go and re-invent yourself. Re-think your priorities, re-define what is important, and who you choose to let in.
For me the process has not been easy. Sometimes the transformation could seem deceivingly effortless – memories are starting to blur at the edges when months ago they had been painfully clear because of the obsessive replay in my mind. But sometimes I find myself again gravitating towards the same chaos, like an itch that has to be scratched over and over again until it bleeds. My trains of thoughts have beginnings but no ends, only questions. Why the hell? Why this, and not that?
It is exhausting, but you have to swim against the current, and I think i’m getting better at it. I’m shedding old clothes that I have outgrown and day by day i’m feeling a little lighter. Just a little. A laborious process that takes patience but I can see the end. Something good will come out of this, I just know it.
All true wisdom is only to be found far from the dwellings of man, in great solitudes.